Poetry

*My poetry comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability with the purpose of being an avenue of emotional expression and healing. I like to be very transparent. Some of my poems may include triggering or sexual content. I'll include an asterisk if it has sexual or what I think might be potentially triggering.

Nervensäge

A total saw on my nerves

when I first met you. 

Even so,

I knew. 

 

We were destined for greatness, 

a friendship unmatched.

For we had a connection, 

from a lifetime,

in the past. 

 

Our friendship grew, 

and I called you one of my best. 

I loved you 

You loved me

We loved eachother so differently. 

 

A kind and sweet

Compassionate human, 

You were a friend, 

That was hard to beat. 

 

I miss that man,

The man you used to be.

A best friend,

A man who was there for me. 

 

Time went on,

your heart ran cold.

Consumed by anger and your fears, 

You've turned into someone

who brings me to tears.  

 

You used to make me laugh,

so hard I would cry. 

I loved when you told me

We were conjoined twins,

You hated why. 

 

My love for you was not the same,

You wanted more,

You thought I played games. 

 

Honesty is all I know

I've told you how I feel

I wish you understood

I wish you knew what was real. 

 

You told me I was lying

I didn't know the truth

For what you knew,

I was meant to be with you. 

 

I know in my heart,

we were not meant to be.

Not friends

Not lovers

Not you and me. 

 

Over a year has passed

Since that fateful day

When you told me

You loved me a very specific way. 

 

I had wished things were different

I had wished my feelings were the same

Now I am grateful

I felt a different way. 

 

 

I was a whore for your attention

Playing hard to get. 

Afraid of my feelings, 

Most stubborn person you've met. 

 

I was showered with gifts, 

Asked out nearly everyday. 

I just wanted it, 

To all go away.

 

I asked you to stop.

I told you no.

I asked you to 

Let Me Go. 

 

An explosion of love, 

I was smothered in compliments, 

Suffocating, I couldn't get above. 

 

Because I awkwardly giggled 

No one saw anything wrong

I felt uncomfortable

We all let it go on. 

 

Outsiders talked, 

accused me of lying. 

"No one puts that much 

into a friendship"

"She was angry when she heard you got laid" 

"She giggles and laughs and she's flirty too" 

No one understood me,

not even you. 

 

Friendships are investments, 

into the humans that I love,

I hold them to the high up, 

High up above. 

 

A misunderstanding,

During an untimely situation,

A rumor grew, 

Without fluctuation. 

 

What that person did not understand, 

is that you were the man, 

who never wanted to discuss

what wasn't between us. 

If I went on a date, 

or you did too, 

It wasn't a topic, 

we talked about

between me and you. 

 

Flirty by nature, 

kind and giggly too, 

This is a part of who I am, 

I thought everyone knew.

 

The one day, 

He got into my brain.

Telling me I'm awful, 

and worst friend ever. 

I don't know how he did it

it wasn't clever. 

 

He told me I crossed 

his boundaries everyday,

That I never respected him, 

I was only here to play. 

 

I broke down, 

Into pieces I went. 

Full of self doubt, 

and heart break to boot, 

I cried and I cried, 

until my voice was mute.

 

It took a good friend

and a beautiful sister too. 

They reminded me who I am, 

They got out the glue. 

 

I was shocked to see

How far I had fallen.

How small

How fragile

How broken I felt. 

 

No matter how much I cared, 

The few happy moments we most recently shared.

I knew that distance,

Would be required, 

It was time for this friendship

to be retired.  

 

I started to keep my distance

more and more, 

Some how he still thought

any moment

I'd walk through his door. 

 

When he gets angry,

he blacks out. 

He puffs his chest

towering over you, 

screaming

yelling

cussing about. 

 

He doesn't know

how scary he can be, 

everytime he yells

he terrifies me.

 

Will it go beyond the emotional abuse? 

Will those fists get put to use?

 

Fear is what I felt, 

repeatedly 

for he spent a couple of weeks

yelling at me. 

 

My danger system triggered, 

My chronic pain back

How do I get through this 

I can't back track. 

 

For a moment I thought, 

he was gone from my life.

Can this be right?

 

That moment was fleeting,

he was here to stay. 

Frustrated and angry, 

I wanted him to go away. 

 

Yet here I sit, 

Longing for my friend. 

I miss the man,

who came to an end. 

 

I never thought we'd be here, 

In this crazy mess we made. 

Taking turns hurting eachother, 

Throwing shade. 

 

No one's ever loved me, 

Like you do. 

Completly,

unconditionally,

relentlessly too.

You are the sun, 

 I'm in love with the moon. 

I'm so sorry, 

I never meant to hurt you.